A  Full of Words

— A Look at American Word Humor —

Phantom Antonyms

ome words look like they could have antonyms but really do not.  For example, “aftermath” suggests the made-up opposite of beforemath, a phantom antonym.  Here is a list of odd words accompanied by plausible sentences showing their phantom antonyms.

aftermath — Ivan Itch found the beforemath of a struggle quite relaxing.

ambidextrous — Being ambiclumsy, Buck Aroo couldn’t use a fork with either hand.

backfire — After his scheme frontfired, Paul Bairer became a wealthy man.

badge — We knew who the sheriff was by his goodge.

become — It was during anatomy class that Art Deco decided to bego a doctor.

belittle — Admittedly an ardent egomaniac, Mike Krobe often bebigged himself.

bigamist — After his wives won a class action divorce, Al Amony became a smallamist.

bigot — Since he hated only a few people, Dick Head considered himself a smallot.

boycott — Being a lover of donuts, Doug Ahole thought he’d girlcott the bakery.

candid — When it came to his love life, Carl Mell was quite cannotdidnot.

cockpit — As captain of the plane, Helen Back took her place in the henpit.

confrontation — Being shy and sensitive, Pisces personalities are skilled at conbacktation.

curfew — Heidi Hoe broke her curmany when she snuck out after nine.

doggone — Molly Koddle found getting guys to like her was dogcame easy.

dumbfounded — Bonnie was smartfounded by the mess Clyde always made.

entertaining — Izzy Kidding found solitary confinement quite exittaining.

extravaganza — With so few friends, Jo King’s party was only a vaganza.

extremely — Prince Sipple was disappointed to find Cinderella intremely pretty.

farfetched — Eileen Onyu used only nearfetched experiences on her resume.

fastidious — Since Polly Glot was a slowidious eater, she usually dined alone.

feckless — As a feckful pickpocket, Tex Tyle made a comfortable living.

forego — With time to kill, Ollie Baba decided to forecome the foreplay.

forthwith — Being a procrastinator, May O’Naize filed her taxes forthwithout.

friendship — With the divorce came a lasting enemyship.

fulfill — By losing his job, Abel Incoln would fulempty his dreams.

furthermore — Furtherless, I take back what I just said.

gallop — Without a saddle, Jesse Jim could run his horse at a guylop.

handsome — When Burt Daysewt looked in the mirror each morning, he saw a footsome guy.

hereafter — Liz Ard thought she had been a pigeon in the herebefore because she liked statues.

history — For some old women, a crystal ball is a window into herstory.

horseback — The saddle was so loose that Aaron Sturun ended up riding horsefront.

ill-gotten — Rosie Cheeks was convinced her bingo prize was a well-gotten gain.

kindred — Anybody who was not a member of the tribe was considered meanred.

largesse — Because of his father’s smallesse Max Emize had to work for a living.

longevity — Eating uncooked bacon three times a day promotes shortevity.

mandate — The final exam being a womandate, most students skipped it.

nearly — When Val Ubull jumped from the moving train, he was farly killed.

nevertheless — Rod Enreal’s position in the company was minor, but alwaystheless unimportant.

nowadays — Thenadays money could not always buy happiness.

nowhere — Chad Durbox, being quite small, had yeswhereto hide.

oblong — What was peculiar about the child was his obshort head.

offing — For Lynn Gweeny, marriage was very much in the onning.

onlooker — When it came to mud wrestling, Chick Fliik preferred to be an offlooker.

outrageous — Being a moral person, Mick Curate told only inrageous lies.

outstanding — Rumors had it Bob Enweve was an instanding scholar.

overhaul — Not big on change, Judy Cator preferred to give her car an underhaul.

posthumously — Donnie Brook wanted to spend his money prehumously.

precocious — Being a postcocious child, Willie spent hours counting his feet.

prevaricate — When Pinocchio learned to postvaricate, his smelling became worst.

procrastinate — Being a anticrastinator, Eddy Torial filed his taxes immediately.

rebellion — The rebellion began after the first bellion failed.

reckless — Not being a reckful driver, Robin Cheet was never asked to be the designated driver.

shortcoming — After the honeymoon Ma, discovered Pa had no longcomings.

shortly — The receptionist told Drew Ling the doctor would see her longly.

stopgap — With his finger in the dike, Hans Ellengrettle yearned for a startgap solution.

superstitions — Expecting his wife to fix dinner each day was one of Glen Dailrode’s substitions.

surplus — Rene Saunce noticed a surminus of meatballs in her spaghetti.

tailspin — Once Cal Sifye sold Bald Barbers, Inc., the price of the shares went into a headspin.

tomboy — Pete Moss, like any judygirl, liked putting on his mother’s makeup.

topical — What Brad Enwatter had to say was usually bottomical.

underdogs — Artie Fishel’s heart was with the Dodgers but his money was with the overdogs.

understand — Men overstand women because they defy logic.

uneasy — The laxative made Dale Eitsaving feel undifficult.

upholstered — Upon returning home, Grace Kyes found her cat had downholstered her sofa.

upset — After three strong drinks, Ossie Phyde became downset.

upstanding — As an downstanding citizen, Ted DeBerr never selected for jury duty.

upstart — At 45, Neal Downe found he had become an upstop, soon to be a downstart.

utmost — Having beaten him twice already, Fran Tikk did her utleast to win.

weakling — Even though Arn Teverwright was a strongling he could not open the pickle jar.