daffynition is any twisted and humorous definition of an English word including what I call goofinition. Although many daffynitions are just horrible puns (for example, “each = something you scratch”), some are clever epigrams. Here is a list of the better daffynitions found on the Internet plus a few original ones. (See also Bundle Words and Fractured Definitions.)
abdication — Giving up on stomach exercises.
adult — A person who has stopped growing up and starts growing out.
anarchy - Exception to the rule.
ashtray — Pig Latin for a piece of trash.
atheist — A believer in non-belief.
autopsy — A dying practice.
bachelor — A guy who never finds out how many faults he has.
bankers — The rooters of all evil.
bargain — Something that makes you think you’re saving money when you’re spending it.
bore — Someopne who, when you ask how he is, tells you.
bureaucracy — Capital punishment.
cannibal — Someone who is fed up with people.
card — Someone in a play suit.
chef — A cook with a large hat and a head to fill it.
chickens — Animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.
church — Where the world is seen through stained-glass.
committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
consciousness — That nightmare between sleeps.
custody — The last battle in a marriage.
cynics — Ignorant people who are ruining the county.
death — The only escape from taxes.
dictionary — The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
dignify — A way to make the hole you’re in look good.
diplomat — A person who tells you to get lost and you can’t wait to get started.
download — A crucial step in making a pillow.
dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out.
esoteric — A word known only by esoteric people.
expression — Non-stop talking.
finance — The artful application of arithmetic.
flabbergasted — Reaction to seeing oneself naked in a mirror.
flashlight — A case for holding dead batteries.
fortune teller — A bank employee who only deal with large accounts.
gossip — An independent news source.
government — A necessity we could do without.
hanging — A suspended sentence.
hangover — The wrath of grapes.
headache — A cheap and effective contraceptive.
heirloom — A dead giveaway.
honeymoon — When a married couple moon their honeys.
hunch — A gut feeling you get during lunch.
hypochondriac — Someone who won’t let well enough alone.
inertia — Resisting arrest.
jury — A panel of twelve untrained in law who are asked their legal opinion.
kernel — A unit of corny.
lawyer — Deceiver, as in ”lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer.“
life — A sexually transmitted terminal disease.
lightheaded — Halo effect.
locomotive — Insanity plea.
lottery — A tax on people who are lousy at math.
lymph — To walk with a lisp.
manicurist — Someone who makes money hand over fist.
mosquito — An insect that makes flies tolerable.
normal — 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.
optimist — A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.
pessimist — Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
petroleum — Floor covering for dog and cat owners.
politician — One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
politics — Where truth lies.
predestination — Doomed from the start.
relentless — Not allowing someone to borrow something a second time.
religion — Where you find prophets and non-profits.
secret — News you tell to one person at a time.
Semite — Big-truck driver.
shin — What you use to find furniture in the dark.
sleep — That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.
slumber — Salvaged wood from condemned house.
stick — A boomerang that doesn’t come back.
statistics — Where the truth lies.
suburbia — Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them.
teenager — One whose hang-ups do not include clothes.
tomorrow — A great labor saving device of today.
tornado — An ending with a twist.
truth — Something that doesn’t lie in the open.
volunteer — Take on work that makes no cents.
wealth — Envied ownership.
yawn — An honest opinion openly expressed.