Daffynitions A daffynition is any twisted and humorous definition of an English word including what I call goofinition.  Although many daffynitions are just horrible puns (for example, each=something you scratch), some are clever epigrams.  Here is a list of the better daffynitions found on the Internet plus a few original ones.  (See also Bundle Words and Fractured Definitions.) abdication — Giving up on stomach exercises. adult — A person who has stopped growing up and starts growing out. anarchy - Exception to the rule atheist — A believer in non-belief. autopsy — A dying practice. bachelor — A guy who never finds out how many faults he has. bargain — Something that makes you think you’re saving money when you’re spending it. bore — Someopne who, when you ask how he is, tells you. bureaucracy — Capital punishment. cannibal — Someone who is fed up with people. card — Someone in a play suit. chef — A cook with a large hat and a head to fill it. chickens — Animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead. church — Where the world is seen through stained-glass. committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. consciousness — That nightmare between sleeps. custody — The last battle in a marriage. cynics — Ignorant people who are ruining the county. death — The only escape from taxes. dictionary — The only place where divorce comes before marriage. dignify — A way to make the hole you’re in look good. diplomat — A person who tells you to get lost and you can’t wait to get started. dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out. esoteric — A word known only by esoteric people. expression — Non-stop talking. flabbergasted — Reaction to seeing oneself naked in a mirror. flashlight — A case for holding dead batteries. fortune teller — A bank employee who only deal with large accounts. gossip — An independent news source. government — A necessity we could do without. hanging — A suspended sentence. hangover — The wrath of grapes. headache — a cheap and effective contraceptive. heirloom — A dead giveaway. honeymoon — When a married couple moon their honeys. hunch — A gut feeling you get during lunch. hypochondriac — Someone who won’t let well enough alone. inertia — Resisting arrest. jury — A panel of twelve untrained in law who are asked their legal opinion. kernel - A unit of corny truth. lawyer — Deceiver, as in “lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer.” life — A sexually transmitted terminal disease. light-headed — Halo effect. locomotive — insanity plea lottery — A tax on people who are lousy at math. lymph — To walk with a lisp. manicurist — Someone who makes money hand over fist. mosquito — An insect that makes flies tolerable. normal — 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. optimist — A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows. pessimist — Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. petroleum — Floor covering for dog and cat owners. politician — One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. predestination - Doomed from the start. relentless — Not allowing someone to borrow something a second time. religion — Where you find prophets and non-profits. secret — News you tell to one person at a time. Semite — big-truck driver. shin — What you use to find furniture in the dark. sleep — That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly. slumber — salvaged wood from condemned house. stick — A boomerang that doesn’t come back. suburbia — Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them. teenager — One whose hang-ups do not include clothes. tomorrow — A great labor saving device of today. tornado — An ending with a twist. truth — Something that doesn’t lie in the open. volunteer — Take on work that makes no cents. yawn — An honest opinion openly expressed. This entertaining page is just one of the many humorous pages showing how English language words can be fun, often being the center of jokes, witticisms, puns, and jest and bringing smiles if not laughter to the comedian in each of us.